Friday, February 17, 2012

A Happy Medium

I got this weird feeling, if I wrote today, it would make feel better.

I've been having a "blah" day. And not "blah" like bored, but...depressed. I hate when I get in these moods. Nothing makes me happy, I just want to turn off the lights, power off my phone, curl up in a ball, and cry for hours. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, it usually takes me a bit and then it hits me like a brick
"Oh! That's why you are miserable right now"..and then it usually depresses me more, because I realize there is nothing I can do to make myself feel better, other than get through today and hope by tomorrow I feel better.

I'm so sick and tired of being fat. I really am. I didn't realize until recently how bad my problem really is. My mom and I were joking about having the money to be alcoholics so we could drink ourselves into a happy place ( Which don't get me wrong, I know alcoholism isn't something to joke about, but at this point in my life, I wish I had enough money, and less caring in my heart, that I could sip on a bottle of fake happiness) But I said " I wish I could have a vice, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs....I have nothing I'm addicted to" and my mom said "You're vice is food" and that's when it clicked.

I have a food problem.

 I kind of already knew that, but to have someone else point it out, makes it more real. I've heard people on the news and stuff talking about "Food Addiction" but when you hear that, you also hear someone else ( usually a skinny person mind you) saying there is no such thing. Well I looked it up today, and guess's real. And it was honestly...a little relieving to read it. I realized what I go through, in my head, on a daily basis, isn't just me. There are tons of people out there with the same problems. The constant thought of food. I can be eating something, getting full beyond belief, and I'm already thinking about what I want to eat next. I wait until people are in bed to indulge in things, cause ultimately....I'm embarrassed. I avoid mirrors at all costs, simply because I don't want to see me. I don't want to see what I look like. I have an image in my head from being skinnier B.C. ( Before Children) and I don't want to see what I've become. I will eat more than I should, and then feel guilty about it. When I spend the night at someone's house, one of the first things that pops into my head ( before what clothes to pack, toothbrush, comb etc) is...

"I hope they have food"

I'm not joking. I read through all the "signs" of a food addict, and it says "If you answered YES to three of these 15 questions then you might have a problem. Well I answered YES to at LEAST 13. It's sickening.
The sad thing is...I LOVE healthy food. Whole Wheat, Veggies, Fruit, Nuts, I just wish I could get addicted to something like...celery.

I always tell myself "We're going to fix ourselves and get in shape" so I'll start trying to eat better, and excersize, but after a few weeks of not seeing any results, I get discouraged and stop. I need to mentally push through that hard time, and keep going. I need to change the way I eat.

I need to change. I know there's a skinny person ( or at least...a healthy person) hiding underneath all this mass, that wants to come out soo bad. I'm going to have to bust my ass to meet her, and I want to have the drive to do so. Maybe I need to delve into studying. Just start looking at lots of food, but healthy food, study how to eat BETTER, don't go on a diet, just alter the way I eat, and how much. Try to be aware of what I'm putting in my body. Set small goals, not big ones ( 2 pounds a week, instead of 20 a month) Start excersizing...even if it's a few games on the Wii Fit, or watching some excersize thing On Demand TV. Invest in a bike, so I can throw on my headphones, and ride as far as I can while getting lost in some sweat inspired music.

Guin wants to go to the park, or for hikes and I would LOVE to...but I'm embarrassed. My Social Anxiety tells me that everyone out there is staring at me, judging me, and mocking me behind my back. Vince tells me several times a day "Do you know how beautiful you are" and I always answer "No" because...I don't. I don't know why he loves me, or what he sees in me, I disgust myself, how can HE want to look at me.

 I have SOOO much personality in me, I have so much to offer the world, and I'm not living up to my potential simply because I'm embarrassed about what I look like. I want to be the Mom that Guin thinks I am, I want to be the Wife Vince keeps telling me I am. I WANT to feel like I'm beautiful, I WANT to be able to sincerely NOT give a shit about what people think of me.

I think when I get taxes, instead of getting new clothes, I need to invest in my health. Save for good food. Go to a gym. Get a bike. Get healthy, so next year...I can splurge on NEW clothes, and for once, not have to shop in the "plus sized" section. I was once a size Medium...and ya know what...I was happy at Medium. I want to be a Medium again. And by god.....I'll be that again.