Friday, November 23, 2012
My parents, they have done so much for me in my life. Always being there, no questions asked when I got in a bad situation, or needed a ride home cause I was too drunk, and talking to walls. I know no matter what is going on in my life, I can go to them, no judgments, no questions, just unconditional love.
My Brother, He may be a brat, but I love him, he's a good person, and an awesome Uncle, the kids LOVE him, and a smile comes across their face as soon as he gets home! Riley has even become accustomed to him, and plays with him. It always makes me happy when I see him playing with them. He was my best friend growing up, so many memories I have of growing up have him in them! I'm so happy he moved back from Ohio to be with us. It was an empty table, in this house, for too long!
Joey, You may have an attitude, and we may get into tiffs from time to time, but I love you. You are a good person, and you really do a lot for me! You are great with the kids, and I always have fun with you when we go out for our "girl" days! You are growing up to be a great woman, and I hope you accomplish everything you're setting out for in life!
Chrissie, I don't know where to start with you. You are ALWAYS there for me, when I need a shoulder to cry on, when I need someone to laugh with, when I get into a tight spot, or when I just want to chat. I look forward to our time together, and even though it's few and far between, they mean so much to me. You are such a good person, and I am so grateful to have you in my life! You are my sister and I love the hell out of you!
Guinevere, You are everything a mom could want in a daughter. You are loving, caring, generous, beautiful and you have a BIG heart when it comes to other people. You are such a big help with Riley, and she loves you soo much! I can't wait to watch you grow up into the awesome person you're turning into!
Riley, Thank you so much for coming into our lives and being a part of this family. You fill our day with entertainment and laughter. You're silly, and goofy. You give the best hugs, and your smile melts my heart! I'm happy to be your mama, and we are so thankful to have you with us!
Kent, I love our conversations! Wiether they be sad, serious, or silly, you always brighten my day when you send a random text to say Hi! Stay you always, you are such a good person, and a great friend, and I really wish we didn't live so far apart, but I know someday ( when we both have money) one of us will come see the other one!
Mia, You are one of my oldest friends and I love ya! I know my life has gotten hectic as of late, and I don't see you nearly as much as I'd like to, but as soon as things slow down, and I can get out there, I promise I will! I appreciate everything you do for me, and helping me get the job at your company! It means a lot!
Michael & Jeremy, I MISS the hell out of you guys! I am so happy you are in our lives! I know we don't talk too much, but I'm always thinking about you. You two are soo important to me. I really wish I could get over there more often to spend time with you. I will make it a point in the next year to come say hi more often!
West, You are awesome! I really wish we lived closer so we could have fun with movies more often. I love that I can come to you with any idea and you will honestly tell me if I'm being ridiculous, or genius You have such a big heart and I really do consider you my brother
And last, but certainly not least,
Vince, You my dear, are my rock. You are my best friend, and my life. I love you so much, and I can't imagine this life without you in it. I'm so happy to share my life with you. You are a great husband, and an awesome daddy. I love the relationship we have, the banter, and playful arguments, the way we act like newly weds after being together (almost) 10 years! I am so thankful for the life you give us. For letting me stay home with the kids, and working as hard as you do to give us everything you can. And loving me the way you do. No one looks at me like you do, you make me feel...pretty, sexy, and loved. Thank you for loving me enough to marry me, and raise our children! You are amazing.
If there is anyone I missed, I am sorry. I am thankful for EVERYONE in my life. All my friends, old and new, all the friends I have reconnected with this year, even the ones I lost this year, you were in my life for a reason, and now that reason was served.
It makes me sad though. That we really only realize what we're thankful for, one day a year. We should be appreciating everything we have, everyday of the year! But I wanted to take the time today, to let certain people in my life know I am thankful for them.
I believe we should be thankful for things/people more times than once a year. Even if you're having a terrible day, you can find something to be thankful for. The air in your lungs, the roof over your head, a bite of food you had during the day. So many people nowadays are pessimistic. Always looking at things from a half empty point of view. When life starts making you feel, sad....dig deep, and find something, anything, to be able to say "I am thankful for at least one thing in my life today"
Me....I am thankful for everything I have, I'm a big believer in "Everything happens for a reason", so I'm even thankful for things I don't have. Something in the universe is saying "You're not ready for that" , and eventually, if it's meant to be mine, it'll be in my life.
Please, hug a friend, smile at a stranger, give your seat up to someone who needs it. BE the thing someone is thankful for!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Well the other day my husband ( Vince) came home from work and told me that the owner of where he works was putting together an Apple Press Party.
Mark had bought a new apple press. Old fashioned, wooden press that makes apple cider. He wanted to celebrate the new press, and invited all his employees, and their families, to come down, help make some cider and take some home! Mingle, get to know each other. This scared the crap out of me. But Vince seemed excited for me to meet his co-workers I hear about all the time, and he wanted to surprise Guinevere with a fun day! So I smiled and said
"Of COURSE I would love to go" .....on the inside I was already biting my nails and telling myself to breathe slowly.
Well today came and went, and to tell you the truth, I had an absolutely good time.
I'm not good at meeting new people ( obviously), I'm more than happy with my little social circle I have going on. I worked hard for that little group of friends. I don't want to throw any more into the mix...that would make it, complicated! But today, I shocked even myself.
Vince usually stays with me, encouraging me to talk to people, helping me hide out when a panic attack hits, he's my....crutch, for lack of a better word...in social situations.
Today, since he was at work, he was helping, a lot. Going in and out of doors to get things for the boss man, helping label the bottles, helping gather apples, and get the BBQ ready. Normally I would've found myself a small corner to tuck into , but today, shockingly, I stayed in the group. Talking to the other wives, laughing, joking. When Vince would introduce me to people, I shot my hand out to shake it, made eye contact, and smiled, and it wasn't faked. The more the day went on, I found myself sitting and having conversations with people, that I didn't know, before today.
And when Riley decided to take a nap, I found a comfy chair, in the break area, and just sat back and watched. I watched people be excited to see Vince there. They would ask him if his family was there, and they would come right over to meet us "finally" they would say. Because Vince talks about his family all the time to his co-workers (which made me super happy to hear about in the first place)
But to watch him, be proud of his job. Be proud of where he worked, made me proud.
I know his job is secure. But after him being unemployed for over a year, it's still hard for me to sit back, relax, and know everything is going good.
When I saw him today, when I saw how his peers, and bosses talked to him, laughed with him. I realized, this is an amazing place he has to work.
These people are amazing. They treat their employees great ( understand if you need time off for family things, take the crew up to a cabin to white water raft in the summer, have Xmas parties, encourage you when you're doing a good job, talk to you about how you can fix things when you're doing a not so good job etc) I don't know how he found this place, but I am SO glad he did! Not to mention the awesome, fresh roasted coffee he gets to bring me home!
Today was a great experience, For me especially. I found that I DO have the courage I didn't know I had, to be social, without Vince right there holding my hand. I got to watch Guin learn how to make cider, and play with other kids, I got to see Vince in his "element" with his co-workers/friends. And most importantly, I realized, I love my life. Sometimes it seems hectic, crazy, unstable, and chaotic...but I LOVE my little family. I LOVE my husband and my daughters, and most importantly I LOVE this little life we have for ourselves!
|Getting the Apple Press Ready|
|All the apples|
|The finished product|
Saturday, November 10, 2012
It's usually chaotic, I'm usually stressed out to the max until the party is done. Wondering if everyone will have fun, Did everyone get enough to eat, Did I talk too much, too little...etc.
But in the end, it always ends up being great. I had a blast, and can't wait to do it again.
Over the years I've gotten good at finding my own things to make. This year my daughter wanted a Monster High theme ( for her friends party) and a Doctor Who theme ( for the family dinner), talk about diverse! But I did it.
The skating party was great, even though I couldn't find a lot of Monster High things ( leave it to my kid to pick the one theme that was hardest to find) so we improvised! I made awesome cupcakes ( if I do say so myself), everyone scarfed down what they could fit in their faces.
The kids skated on the skating rink for hours, my hubby and brother even got out there with my dad to play with the kids, and chase each other around the rink! In the end, I was scared...this was the first year we had a "out of the house party" with new friends, new parents....I was so nervous. But I got nothing but rave reviews when we were done!
Then tonight was Guin's actual birthday. We planned for Vince ( hubby) to take her out, to distract her so I could get things done here. Vince took her to see Wreck it Ralph as a surprise, they also went to Wonderland to play on arcade games until I called them back home. When they returned home...this is what she saw....
Sunday, November 4, 2012
I am thankful for coffee. It's so simple. We all take it for granted (well, those of us that drink it) its always there to greet me in the morning, like an old friend. During the day when I need a pick me up, its there. I can put it in baked goods, or eat the beans raw. Some relationships are started over a good cup of coffee. When you haven't seen your friends in a while, you suggest "hey, let's catch up over a cup of coffee" and when I get to have a day away from home, to go out in the world alone and just think, relax, I sit on the patio of some hole in the wall cafe, put on my headphones and get lost in the aroma of my surroundings . You can always have it the same (for me, its black) or you can change it up, cream, no sugar, light, soy, flavors. My husband even works for a coffee roasting company. He comes home and I breathe him in. Coffee has always been around me in happy times, in sad times, in friendly times. I am thankful to be able to have this comforting drink, everyday.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Every parent likes to think their child is extraordinary. But in my case, I know my little girl is. She's the little girl that makes you proud to be a parent. She's the girl that makes you wonder what it is you did right.
Ever since Riley was born, we have asked a lot of Guin. She's always ready and willing to help play with the baby, when I need a break. She makes a bottle like a pro, and has gotten very good at packing a diaper bag when I need an extra set of hands. She never complains, in fact, she always asks what else you need.
One time she saved up her money for a toy ( tooth fairy, small allowance when we can afford it, any little change she's collected or found), never spend a dime. I think she ended up having close to $13.
We went to the store, it was snowing out, close to Xmas. And as we got closer to the Walmart doors, we heard that familiar sound you hear every Xmas, the jingling of the bells from the Salvation Army people with the red bucket. This man was an elderly man, in a wheelchair, wearing a little Santa hat, and a smile. She stopped and stared, and asked me why he was out in the cold, ringing a bell. I explained what it is they do...collect money for people who have no home, or no food, and help them, with clothing, food, toys for kids, things like that. She smiled and said "Wow, he must get paid a lot of money to sit out here" I told her he doesn't. He's a volunteer, which means he willingly comes out, when he has free time, because this is something he believes in, and wants to help people who are in trouble. The wheels in her head started turning, she reached into her purse, and pulled out her little wallet. She walked over to the man, put money in the bucket, and said Merry Christmas. She walked back over to me, and I asked her how much she gave him ( thinking it was a couple cents, or a dollar) She told me she gave him everything. She had no business enjoying a new toy, when there were people out in the cold.
Needless to say my heart melted. I don't know what I did so right to raise such a good kid. But she was just as happy as she would've been had she gotten her toy. She felt good knowing she helped someone out. And now every year since then, she always carries anything she can in her wallet, around Xmas time, just in case she sees the "bell ringers".
That same year we were strapped for money. Vince was out of work, and it was very tight in the house. Xmas is always a big holiday for me. Even if we can't afford presents and stockings, I still try to teach her that the holidays are more than just for getting gifts. It's for being thankful for what you have. A roof over your head. Food to eat at night, and especially a family that loves you. I sat her down one night to tell her we weren't going to be able to afford much, if anything for her, and she said " Mama, you told me Xmas isn't about gifts, it's about being thankful. I have my whole family here to celebrate Xmas with....that's all I need for Xmas"
The other day she had her first ice skating lesson. She was nervous, and was afraid to get out on the ice. After she did, she was amazing. I'm not just saying that because I'm her mom, I'm saying that because it's true. No one believed it was her first time on the ice, she had so much fun, and to top it off, right after her first lesson, a little girl and her mom got on the ice. The little girl was a little "slow", and was afraid to let go of the wall. Guin skated right up to her, taught her how to fall so she didn't get hurt, and helped that little girl learn how to skate. Within 10 min, she had her off the wall and skating around in the center of the rink. The mom had a huge smile on her face, and was so proud her little girl was skating. Keep in mind, Guin had just learned no more than 30 min prior to this, how to skate herself. It was awesome to watch. To see MY little girl out there, brightening someone's day, helping someone who needed the help.
I am so thankful for my daughter. She is one of my favorite people in the world! And I am proud to be her Mama :)
Thursday, August 16, 2012
We will start the story about when the ladies arrived from Southern Oregon, and we headed to the mall for some lunch. Once there we headed to the food court. We found ourselves table upon which to plant our butts for the next hour. Trish worked manically on her Cross-stitch o' awesome she was making for Mrs. Lawson. Chrysi was busy drawing mustaches on fingers, Chrissie took pictures, I blew bubbles and glued googily eyes to things.
Really we could've been sitting at the arts n' crafts table in a mental institution, but instead we had an arts n' crafts table in a mall food court.
From there we trekked to the Max station to go to VooDoo Doughnuts. We found a Validator machine, which means when you're feeling sad and down, all you have to do is press a little green button, and a voice comes out of nowhere, to tell you how awesome you are. It told me, my Justin Bieber perfume smelled great. And it totally did!
(** really the validator machine is there to validate light rail tickets, but we felt validating someone sounded better and more heartfelt. Also by saying "a voice came out of nowhere" really a voice was coming out of Chrysi. Still....I felt validated)
We hopped on Max after being (poorly) flirted with by a kid, and headed to Voodoo.
We waited in line with all the other people drooling over the scent of fried dough in the air. I'm also pretty sure Dee Snider was there.
Finally making it inside, we took our pick of the Fruit Loops, Cap'n Crunches, VooDoo Doll, Maple Blunts, Cock n' Balls ( All real names of doughnuts)
After we wolfed them down, we proceeded back to Max for our journey to The Bloggess.
This Max ride was way more entertaining. From Chrysi proposing to Chrissie, and then Chrissie leaving Chrysi for me ( I know...it's a whole lot of Chrissie, try talking to them in person) there was also some more cross-stitching, the Chrissie's trying to hold their breath through the mile and a half long "Willy Wonka Tunnel" ( Which didn't work by the way, I just ended up being spit on)
We finally arrived at our stop and exited the "trus" .
This is where the fun filled day-cation, takes a nasty turn.......
We stepped off the chilly, crisp, communal air of the max and into the humid, deadly, gross heat of Beaverton Transit Center.
We all stood with a "what now?" look on our faces. Well....WE looked, Trish was still cross stitching at this point. After checking the GPS on our phones and seeing it was going to take 26 minutes of walking time to get to the book store where the book signing was happening, we all decided a taxi was a good idea. There were two (shady) looking taxi cabs.
We approached them, praying they would say..
"Why yes ma'am, I know exactly where that location is. Hop right into my safe and trustworthy, air-conditioned vehicle and I will have you there in a jiffy!"
Instead we got
"*Insert foreign language here indicating he had no idea what we were talking about and to see the man in the "taxi" next to him, cause he was #1*"
So I walked over with Chrysi to #1's "cab" and started explaining what we were looking for. He told us to get in and we would find it. I saw a glimmer of hope, until....
He PULLS OUT A BREATHALYZER to blow in so he can start his car.
It was at this point, Chrysi proclaimed,
"Fuck this shit" ( or something to that effect lol)
And we decided to hoof it.
Keep in mind, 2 of the 4 of us are wearing flip flops, I'm carrying a bag o' fun stuff to do, which quickly became not so much fun...and one of us was cross stitching. I'll let you guess who that was LOL
I swear she's not usually this into cross-stitching, but she was making a gift for someone she's been waiting forever to meet, so it was a challenge that needed to be met. And we accepted her weirdness! Plus it was kind of awesome-sauce
Chrissie took control of the GPS coordinates, and we started on our (long ass) walk. Walking through neighborhoods, business parking lots, parks, getting screeched at by kids on bikes ( weird youths), with the hot sun blaring down on us and little to no water, it quickly became apparent that I am WAY out of shape! I'm pretty sure I suffered from at least 2 strokes, and a heart attack during this walk. My heart was pounding out of my chest, sweat was pouring from my temples like it was....well...sweat. My bag went from weighing 5lbs maybe, to 100lbs, and on top of that, I wore my shoes with my Dr.Scholls gellin' insoles in them, cause well....I wanted to be gellin'. FUCK DR.SCHOLLS! The insoles ended up getting bunched up under the ball of my foot, causing me to continue this walk on what felt like a gelly stone in my shoe. Chrissie announced the GPS said 5 min away....super. I can die in 5 min.
Suddenly everyone stops. I thank Jebus that I can rest for a minute on this very uncomfortable looking stone wall. While I'm catching my breath, and clutching my chest, it's brought to the attention of the group, that Google Maps, has fucked us, and we are in the completely wrong area. Sweet!
A nice looking boy on his bike rode past us, and we stopped him, asking where the bookstore was, he directed us 13 min BACK the way we came.
It was at this point, I was going to say
"I'm just going to lie here in this patch of grass, and die, y'all can come back for me when you're done at the book thingy, give The Bloggess my regards and tell her....I tried" /die
But instead I shut my mouth and pressed on.
After another 10ish minutes the store was in view. IT EXISTS!!
My arms went numb, I think from my second heart attack, and we made our way inside the cool interior of the mall where the store was located. Quickly the area was filled with laughter and applause. We followed the happy sounds until we saw her....She was standing in the same space as us! We made our way into the book signing, where the 5th person in the group was saving us seats. We "excused" ourselves past many-a-people, but I'm sure at this point we smelled close to what I imagine wet gym socks, and sweaty bras smell like, so there wasn't much fight from the crowd.
When Jenny ( yeah, we're on a first name basis now) was done telling her chapter, and answering questions, it was time for book signing! Whoo-Hoo..only I didn't have a book. Chrissie was a total doll and was going to buy one for me, until...DUN DUN DUN...we found out, they were out. Oh well...I made it this far, I saw her, laughed with her, and will get my picture with her, that's all I need! Then Chrissie GAVE me her book...what?!! She said she can get herself another one, and she was going to just have her spatula signed....that's on of the main reasons why I love this girl! ( Not cause she gives me free shit, but because she's awesome, and wants to make sure you're happy!) I sat holding my book waiting for our row to get called when all of a sudden there was an announcement.
" For those of you, who wanted a book, but couldn't get one because we are out, I'm here to announce I have ONE copy in my hand, and I will give it to the first person who raises their hand"
BOOM...I didn't even think, I'm not even sure I heard the lady, but apparently my sub-conscious and my arm were working together to make sure I had one hell of an awesome day, and my arm shot right up in the air. I WON the book. She brought it to me, people applauded, I stood and bowed, shed a tear, roses were thrown at me, and I made an amazing speech that brought tears to everyone's eyes.....
Not buying it? OK, well I did win the book, and when the lady brought it to me, I swear she was walking in slow motion, and then I mumbled something about going through hell to get here and thank you and she walked away. There was applauding though...I think....I may have just been clapping for myself.
Our row was called and we slowly made our way up. We got our books signed, laughed with her, got our pictures taken, and told her how much we loved her! And then...that was it. We left. It was over. Our exhausting day came to an end!
Well for me at least, cause I live here in Portland, but the others had a long car ride ahead of them...so their ending happened a bit later....
All in all, it was an awesome day. I met some cool people, and made a new friend! I wouldn't have changed a thing!!
Well.....except for that long ass walk in which I had an out of body excersizing expieriance!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
*Side note....I don't know why people put liquor in paper bags. Is it because you're ashamed? Is the bottle ashamed? * whispers* everyone knows what's in the paper bag.....you're not fooling anyone!
Back to the story...
So my Granny is sitting on the couch with me. She busts out a bottle of wine...and drinks it ALL...in one big chug. And then my mom handed me a bottle...a bottle so awesome words can't describe, well ok...I suppose they can,
It was square, tall and filled with a creamy liquid. The label said "Creamy Schnapps" It looked like chocolate milk, but smelled like pumpkins ( I know...weird)
As I was ready to take a small swig to taste it, my Granny, yoinked it out of my hands, and 1,2,3,4 gulps, it was gone. My mouth dropped open. Partially because I was impressed, but mostly cause GRANNY JUST STOLE MY LIQUOR!
I was about to say something, or smack the ol' girl...but she was so full of alcohol I doubt it would do any good, other than make my hand sting, and her dentures fly across the room. Which I would have to retrieve anyways, cause her back is bad. ......
Then I woke up.
Yes, I'm sorry to say, this was all a dream. A weird, twisted, bizarre dream.
A: I don't have a Granny...they both went to the Bar in the Sky long ago. This one didn't even look like them at all. She was a stereo-typical granny. White curly hair, wearing one of those nightgowns, that can double as a dress when she needs to run to the store for Vicks vapor Rub ( Cause Grandma's always have that shit in their cupboards) In fact I'm pretty sure it was Betty White. Which would probably explain the drinking, cause that woman kicks ass.
B: I wouldn't be drinking with a baby on my lap! I would wait until the baby was down for a nap..geez.
C: You might think me to be a violent person, due to the wanting to slap my dream granny...well...I am...and I totally would have!! You don't just take someone's Creamy Schnapps! I don't even think that exists. But it should! The price tag said $16.95, so it had to have been good! Wait.....is that a lot? I don't drink on a normal basis...but apparently that's what my subconscious thinks Creamy Schnapps would cost.
Now I want Creamy Schnapps.....stupid subconscious.....
Saturday, August 4, 2012
I know...I live in the North West, you'd think I'd be over it by now...but nope. This things come out in hoards in the Summer time...which is one of the main reasons why I despise Summer. I'll take Fall/Winter overt this any day. The rain, wind, overcast-y-ness...yes that's a word. I'm declaring it so right now. And it's on the internet, and we all know the internet doesn't lie!
Back to my spider. Well last night Guinevere found one in her room, that was the size of a AA battery. I'm sure you're thinking "well that's not very big at all" Oh yeah..pull one out, look at it, and tell me if you had a spider sized battery...it would be huge. AND it was green! WTF? So now I'm convinced it was either a Zombie spider, one I killed before, and is back to seek it's revenge! Or it was the Yoda of it's tribe, wise, and old. Or Kermit, Oscar the grouch? There's too many green things to choose from, anyways, we screamed and ran away from it, looking for things to kill it with, and by the time we got back in the room, POOF, it was gone. GREAT. So now Yoda, Kermit, Oscar, Zombie spider is wandering around looking for me.
AND just now I went in my room to go to bed, set everything up, got the baby in her bed, turned on my side table light, my fan ( cause if I don't have wind blowing in my face I won't get air, and at that point I can't breathe, and then I feel like I'm dying, and that mixed with the heat...it's just easier for everyone if I leave the fan in my face) got my book, made the bed up...and then left to go pee. Sorry for the graphics, but I feel like every detail is important! Got back in my room to do...something....OH water bottle ( I suppose I'm OCD when it comes to bed time rituals...but it's mostly cause I'm tired as shit and once I get in bed, I'm not getting out...unless my bladder tells me otherwise, but he's the only one that gets to) (also apparently my bladder is a man...weird...moving on)
Sitting ON my fan, was a gnarly, brown, hairy, spider. Ok it might not have been hairy...but my brain saw hair. And when I say ON my fan, I don't mean up top, trying to mess with the controls, cause he's a friend of Zombie Spider and wants revenge on me. I mean ON, as in....the wind that was coming from my fan was blowing THROUGH the spider....so I'm only left to assume it was a she, and she was old, and maybe suffering from Menopause, heat flashes and all. Or like me, and hates this Summer crap, and was trying to cool off.
Do Spiders get hot? Weird....anyways I grabbed my book from the table, and smooshed it! SCORE! However, now there are spider guts in my fan...but I would rather that, than the real thing. I'm leaving it there for now. Mainly as a sign to other spiders, You don't mess with me. Mostly cause I'm lazy, and would rather sleep. However, I'm at an impasse, cause now I'm out in the living room, typing this up, procrastinating my ass off, cause I don't want to go back into the room.
Also.....a giant Mothra sized Moth just flew at my face, and I kung-fu'd it away....it's sitting on my wall staring at me...so I'm going to act like nothing is wrong, I don't notice it. And back away slowly....wish me luck!
Monday, July 2, 2012
He was such a good man.
He was a man, upon meeting for the first time, would refuse a handshake...just to give you a hug.
He taught me to "Forgive and Forget", He always had a way of making things special. He would add a touch of chocolate powder to my cereal bowl, so my milk would be nice and chocolatey. My Rice Krispies always tasted amazing! He made the BEST pancakes in the world, and could whip up a mean salad! He used to take my brother and I birdwatching and he would also show Noah how to read the stars in the sky.
I went to visit once, I think for a weekend, with my Nana and Papa, and I would get homesick. He would always come to my aid, throw on The Sound Of Music, make us some tea, and we would sit and watch it together. He had this big brown/maroonish leather chair. When I was little I would curl up on his belly (my waterbed!) and fall asleep!
But what I remember most was, when I would talk to him on the phone, he would always say "You're looking beautiful" and I would giggle and say "Papa, you can't see me" and he would always respond with " I don't have to see you, to know you're looking beautiful" ( Still makes me teary eyed when I think about it)
He was my favorite person in the world.
When he died, my world crumbled. I remember I slept with his picture under my pillow, for a very long time. As a kid, I was devastated to have lost him....It was really hard on me.
But now as an adult, I know I'm grateful to have had someone like that in my life. Someone who made me feel safe, and warm, and loved. Someone who could make you feel like you were the only person who mattered to them.
Today is his birthday. If I still lived in San Jose, I would go to the cemetery where he was laid to rest, and bring him some flowers. I would sit with him, and watch the birds the live in the tree that's planted right there on the hill in front of him.
Every year today, I think about him all day, it makes me sad, but at the same time, I'm happy. I'm happy that I have the memories I have of him. I believe he's somewhere, watching us, keeping us safe. And I believe he would be proud of me. Proud of my family, and of the life I have. And that makes me smile
Happy Birthday Papa....I miss you...
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
KEEP IN MIND THIS (REAL LIFE) STORY TAKES PLACE IN ONE BLOCK OF DRIVING:
ALSO KEEP IN MIND, MY VERY BAD, HORRIBLE, UNEXPLAINABLE, PARALIZING FEAR, OF SPIDERS:
So I went with Vince and the girls to partake in Starbucks Happy Hour! When we pulled out into the street, my automatic seatbelt locked into place, scaring the crap out of a ginormous, harry, Jurassic, biker sized spider ( I may be exaturating on size, but not by much)It flew onto my arm, looked at me, then lept onto the door at which point it began to mock me.
It was huge and I had nothing to kill it with, so I practically lept onto Vince's lap screaming for my life. Vince stopped the car, hands me an ENVALOPE and says "here you go, squish it with this" ...so I summoned all the courage I had in me to put my hand THAT close to the beast. I crept up on it slowly, and then moved in for the kill...but I was too scared to look, so I opened the door, dropped the envalope on the ground, at which point I saw it's legs ( and guts) all squishy on the envalope!
VICTORY!! We retrieved the envalope ( it contained important documents) and placed it back in the glovebox. I'd deal with that later.
I was however still shaken up. Tears ran uncontrolably down my face, from the almost not dying incedent. Vince was already trying to hold back the laugh he had waiting to burst out of him. I stared...no glared in his general direction ( with tears running down my face...it wasn't really that intimidating)...now this is where the already traumatizing situation turned...sour.
We had all the windows down since it was a hot day. I'm practically sitting in Vince lap as he's driving, not wanting to go anywhere near the remains of the spider on my door. Just when I was starting to feel at ease with the fact there was a monstrosity in my car, a small, ninja feather flies in the window....at my face.
I didn't have time to react, or even to see what was flying at my face. So I start swatting at the enemy. Small screams are uncontrollably leaving my mouth as I frantically fight for my life against this....thing. It's at this point, a small voice from the backseat ( my 8 year old) starts CRACKING UP...."It's a feather mum". Even though I hear this...it doesn't register, and when the ninja feather comes in for a second attack I still swat at it violently. I must've scared it off, cause it left the window, and proceeded on it's journey.
Against everything in my gut...I glance over at Vince. The laugh he was trying to hold back, is no longer contained. It's out in the open, in loud GAFFAW'S and LAWLS. At this point, Guin is joining in.
Still embarrased, and well...frightened for my life the tears still stream down my face. Through his laughing at me, Vince says, trying to sound concerned "There's some napkins in the glove box honey, get em' cause your mascara is going onto your face, and you can tell you were crying" I open the glove box to retrieve the napkins only to find....ANOTHER GINORMOUS JURASSIC PARK SPIDER. I SLAMMED the door shut and screamed for real this time.
It was then, I started to laugh at myself. I realized the spider in the glovebox, was just the remains of the original spider, on the envelope...coming back to scare me from beyond the grave.
*sigh* This really just happened. True Story. Stupid Nature.....
**No humans were harmed in the making of this story. One spider however, was relieved of it's life duties....and one ninja feather, was defeated by my erratic swatting.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
There, I said it. Whenever someone lately asks me "what's wrong", my automatic, robot answer is "Nothing, I'm just tired, hungry ( insert excuse here)"
But I am...I've been depressed the last few weeks, and I could easily tell you all the reasons...i.e Money, Exhaustion, my lack of a social life...etc..but honestly, the biggest reason, is my weight. And I know I recently blogged about it, so I'm not going to bore anyone with details, about how I have a food addiction I can't kick, I have a lack of energy for working out, and a sheer lack of motivation for me to get going with a healthy lifestyle....Until I watched a movie recently.
Yeah I know, What? You watched a movie, and now you're all gung-ho about losing weight?
And my simple answer is...YES.
I was bored and well, depressed a few weeks back, trying to find something to watch on Netflix, to help an hour or two pass without me realizing it. That way I was an hour or two closer to going to bed. (Pathetic...I know) But I saw this movie I've had in my queue forever, called "Fat, Sick and nearly Dead" so I thought...what the hell..maybe THIS will be the thing that changes my life, and low and behold, I think it did! Total cliche I realize that, but it really did.
In the documentary, a man named Joe Cross, came to America ( From Australia) to do a juice fast for 60 days, because he was unhealthy, over weight, and just well, out of whack. I watched his journey across America talking to people, and letting them know what he was doing and what they thought about it. He was drinking nothing but juice for 60 days, and not store bought crap. Home made, juice. It takes a ton of veggies and fruit to get a cup of juice, so ultimately, you're eating a lot of veggies and fruit, but losing weight and becoming healthier, because you're detoxing your body of all the crap you put into it on a daily basis.
It was interesting, but then he met this man named Phil, at a truck stop, who was suffering from the same thing he was, medically. Phil was over 400 lbs and a truck driver. After a bit, he called Joe for help, he wanted to lose weight and be healthy, so Joe helped him get started on this juice fast. Phil not only lost weight, and got healthy, but he inspired a whole town to jump on the bandwagon and do this.
After the movie was over, and I caught myself in tears, because a lot of what they said in the movie, I could relate with. Vince came out and we talked and he said with no doubt in his voice
"I think you could do that. I really believe if you put your mind to it, you could do that too"
I've been planning this for over a month, bought a juicer, collected a ton of juice recipes, and have saved up money to be able to afford my "food".
I start on the first of April. I know, from what I've been reading, the first few days are going to be sucky, because ultimately, I'm detoxing, resetting my stomach, body and brain to not think it needs all the crap I eat. And then after a few days, you feel awesome. I'm hoping as a result, I'll start to have more energy, which will lead to excersizing more. Even if it's a brisk walk around the block with the kids, or a trip to the mall, to walk the parameter.
I will be fasting until the first of June! It's a big challenge, I'm actually scared I'm going to fail. I have a habit of starting something new, and cool, and then as quickly as I start it, I decide it's not for me. But I'm making it a point, that no matter how hard it gets, I'm not stopping, I NEED to prove not only to everyone, but mostly myself, that I CAN do something, I CAN follow through. I'll probably be blogging a bit, just so I feel like I'm chatting with an old friend!
I'm hoping this works. I'm really excited to start a new chapter in my life, and be able to take a before/after pic for the first time in my life ( I've always been a "before" pic lol)
Tomorrow I go shopping for the produce, and Sunday is the big day! I hope this helps rid me of my depression. I hope this starts a journey, that I can look back on and say " I NEVER want to be that big again"
P.S. here's the link to Joe's website, if you're interested at all in checking this out. I highly reccomend watching the movie if you have Netflix or Hulu, if for nothing more than to kill an hour and a half...after all, that's all I wanted to do (^_^)
If you want info on Joe, or his movie...Click here
Friday, February 17, 2012
I've been having a "blah" day. And not "blah" like bored, but...depressed. I hate when I get in these moods. Nothing makes me happy, I just want to turn off the lights, power off my phone, curl up in a ball, and cry for hours. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, it usually takes me a bit and then it hits me like a brick
"Oh! That's why you are miserable right now"..and then it usually depresses me more, because I realize there is nothing I can do to make myself feel better, other than get through today and hope by tomorrow I feel better.
I'm so sick and tired of being fat. I really am. I didn't realize until recently how bad my problem really is. My mom and I were joking about having the money to be alcoholics so we could drink ourselves into a happy place ( Which don't get me wrong, I know alcoholism isn't something to joke about, but at this point in my life, I wish I had enough money, and less caring in my heart, that I could sip on a bottle of fake happiness) But I said " I wish I could have a vice, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs....I have nothing I'm addicted to" and my mom said "You're vice is food" and that's when it clicked.
I have a food problem.
I kind of already knew that, but to have someone else point it out, makes it more real. I've heard people on the news and stuff talking about "Food Addiction" but when you hear that, you also hear someone else ( usually a skinny person mind you) saying there is no such thing. Well I looked it up today, and guess what...it's real. And it was honestly...a little relieving to read it. I realized what I go through, in my head, on a daily basis, isn't just me. There are tons of people out there with the same problems. The constant thought of food. I can be eating something, getting full beyond belief, and I'm already thinking about what I want to eat next. I wait until people are in bed to indulge in things, cause ultimately....I'm embarrassed. I avoid mirrors at all costs, simply because I don't want to see me. I don't want to see what I look like. I have an image in my head from being skinnier B.C. ( Before Children) and I don't want to see what I've become. I will eat more than I should, and then feel guilty about it. When I spend the night at someone's house, one of the first things that pops into my head ( before what clothes to pack, toothbrush, comb etc) is...
"I hope they have food"
I'm not joking. I read through all the "signs" of a food addict, and it says "If you answered YES to three of these 15 questions then you might have a problem. Well I answered YES to at LEAST 13. It's sickening.
The sad thing is...I LOVE healthy food. Whole Wheat, Veggies, Fruit, Nuts, I just wish I could get addicted to something like...celery.
I always tell myself "We're going to fix ourselves and get in shape" so I'll start trying to eat better, and excersize, but after a few weeks of not seeing any results, I get discouraged and stop. I need to mentally push through that hard time, and keep going. I need to change the way I eat.
I need to change. I know there's a skinny person ( or at least...a healthy person) hiding underneath all this mass, that wants to come out soo bad. I'm going to have to bust my ass to meet her, and I want to have the drive to do so. Maybe I need to delve into studying. Just start looking at lots of food, but healthy food, study how to eat BETTER, don't go on a diet, just alter the way I eat, and how much. Try to be aware of what I'm putting in my body. Set small goals, not big ones ( 2 pounds a week, instead of 20 a month) Start excersizing...even if it's a few games on the Wii Fit, or watching some excersize thing On Demand TV. Invest in a bike, so I can throw on my headphones, and ride as far as I can while getting lost in some sweat inspired music.
Guin wants to go to the park, or for hikes and I would LOVE to...but I'm embarrassed. My Social Anxiety tells me that everyone out there is staring at me, judging me, and mocking me behind my back. Vince tells me several times a day "Do you know how beautiful you are" and I always answer "No" because...I don't. I don't know why he loves me, or what he sees in me, I disgust myself, how can HE want to look at me.
I have SOOO much personality in me, I have so much to offer the world, and I'm not living up to my potential simply because I'm embarrassed about what I look like. I want to be the Mom that Guin thinks I am, I want to be the Wife Vince keeps telling me I am. I WANT to feel like I'm beautiful, I WANT to be able to sincerely NOT give a shit about what people think of me.
I think when I get taxes, instead of getting new clothes, I need to invest in my health. Save for good food. Go to a gym. Get a bike. Get healthy, so next year...I can splurge on NEW clothes, and for once, not have to shop in the "plus sized" section. I was once a size Medium...and ya know what...I was happy at Medium. I want to be a Medium again. And by god.....I'll be that again.