Thursday, August 16, 2012

Let's pretend this TOTALLY happened. A story about the day, I got to meet The Bloggess

Yesterday was one of the most fun/exhausting/weird days I've had in a long time. So I decided to sit and document it, in the form of a blog, in honor of The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson. Who was the "Holy Grail" at the end of our travels yesterday. Kind of like God, but with better hair

We will start the story about when the ladies arrived from Southern Oregon, and we headed to the mall for some lunch. Once there we headed to the food court. We found ourselves table upon which to plant our butts for the next hour. Trish worked manically on her Cross-stitch o' awesome she was making for Mrs. Lawson. Chrysi was busy drawing mustaches on fingers, Chrissie took pictures, I blew bubbles and glued googily eyes to things.
Really we could've been sitting at the arts n' crafts table in a mental institution, but instead we had an arts n' crafts table in a mall food court.



From there we trekked to the Max station to go to VooDoo Doughnuts. We found a Validator machine, which means when you're feeling sad and down, all you have to do is press a little green button, and a voice comes out of nowhere, to tell you how awesome you are. It told me, my Justin Bieber perfume smelled great. And it totally did!


(** really the validator machine is there to validate light rail tickets, but we felt validating someone sounded better and more heartfelt. Also by saying "a voice came out of nowhere" really a voice was coming out of Chrysi. Still....I felt validated)

Pressing on...

We hopped on Max after being (poorly) flirted with by a kid, and headed to Voodoo.
We waited in line with all the other people drooling over the scent of fried dough in the air. I'm also pretty sure Dee Snider was there.



Finally making it inside, we took our pick of the Fruit Loops, Cap'n Crunches, VooDoo Doll, Maple Blunts, Cock n' Balls ( All real names of doughnuts)






After we wolfed them down, we proceeded back to Max for our journey to The Bloggess.

This Max ride was way more entertaining. From Chrysi proposing to Chrissie, and then Chrissie leaving Chrysi for me ( I know...it's a whole lot of Chrissie, try talking to them in person) there was also some more cross-stitching, the Chrissie's trying to hold their breath through the mile and a half long "Willy Wonka Tunnel" ( Which didn't work by the way, I just ended up being spit on)
We finally arrived at our stop and exited the "trus" .


video


This is where the fun filled day-cation, takes a nasty turn.......


We stepped off the chilly, crisp, communal air of the max and into the humid, deadly, gross heat of Beaverton Transit Center.
We all stood with a "what now?" look on our faces. Well....WE looked, Trish was still cross stitching at this point. After checking the GPS on our phones and seeing it was going to take 26 minutes of walking time to get to the book store where the book signing was happening, we all decided a taxi was a good idea. There were two (shady) looking taxi cabs.

We approached them, praying they would say..

"Why yes ma'am, I know exactly where that location is. Hop right into my safe and trustworthy, air-conditioned vehicle and I will have you there in a jiffy!"

Instead we got

"*Insert foreign language here indicating he had no idea what we were talking about and to see the man in the "taxi" next to him, cause he was #1*"

@_@  What?...

So I walked over with Chrysi to #1's "cab" and started explaining what we were looking for. He told us to get in and we would find it. I saw a glimmer of hope, until....

He PULLS OUT A BREATHALYZER to blow in so he can start his car.
It was at this point, Chrysi proclaimed,
"Fuck this shit" ( or something to that effect lol)
And we decided to hoof it.

Keep in mind, 2 of the 4 of us are wearing flip flops, I'm carrying a bag o' fun stuff to do, which quickly became not so much fun...and one of us was cross stitching. I'll let you guess who that was LOL
I swear she's not usually this into cross-stitching, but she was making a gift for someone she's been waiting forever to meet, so it was a challenge that needed to be met. And we accepted her weirdness! Plus it was kind of awesome-sauce



Chrissie took control of the GPS coordinates, and we started on our (long ass) walk. Walking through neighborhoods, business parking lots, parks, getting screeched at by kids on bikes ( weird youths), with the hot sun blaring down on us and little to no water, it quickly became apparent that I am WAY out of shape! I'm pretty sure I suffered from at least 2 strokes, and a heart attack during this walk. My heart was pounding out of my chest, sweat was pouring from my temples like it was....well...sweat. My bag went from weighing 5lbs maybe, to 100lbs, and on top of that, I wore my shoes with my Dr.Scholls gellin' insoles in them, cause well....I wanted to be gellin'. FUCK DR.SCHOLLS! The insoles ended up getting bunched up under the ball of my foot, causing me to continue this walk on what felt like a gelly stone in my shoe. Chrissie announced the GPS said 5 min away....super. I can die in 5 min.

Suddenly everyone stops. I thank Jebus that I can rest for a minute on this very uncomfortable looking stone wall. While I'm catching my breath, and clutching my chest, it's brought to the attention of the group, that Google Maps, has fucked us, and we are in the completely wrong area. Sweet!
A nice looking boy on his bike rode past us, and we stopped him, asking where the bookstore was, he directed us 13 min BACK the way we came.

It was at this point, I was going to say
"I'm just going to lie here in this patch of grass, and die, y'all can come back for me when you're done at the book thingy, give The Bloggess my regards and tell her....I tried" /die

But instead I shut my mouth and pressed on.

After another 10ish minutes the store was in view. IT EXISTS!!


 My arms went numb, I think from my second heart attack, and we made our way inside the cool interior of the mall where the store was located. Quickly the area was filled with laughter and applause. We followed the happy sounds until we saw her....She was standing in the same space as us! We made our way into the book signing, where the 5th person in the group was saving us seats. We "excused" ourselves past many-a-people, but I'm sure at this point we smelled close to what I imagine wet gym socks, and sweaty bras smell like, so there wasn't much fight from the crowd.

Sitting in our seats, it felt like we finally reached the end! Trish finished her project, we listened to the telling of a chapter out of The Bloggess' book, laughed, and sucked in all the A/C we could. That would normally be the end of the story, we made it, we were alive, barely. And had storied to tell...But wait...there's more!!





When Jenny ( yeah, we're on a first name basis now) was done telling her chapter, and answering questions, it was time for book signing! Whoo-Hoo..only I didn't have a book.  Chrissie was a total doll and was going to buy one for me, until...DUN DUN DUN...we found out, they were out. Oh well...I made it this far, I saw her, laughed with her, and will get my picture with her, that's all I need! Then Chrissie GAVE me her book...what?!! She said she can get herself another one, and she was going to just have her spatula signed....that's on of the main reasons why I love this girl! ( Not cause she gives me free shit, but because she's awesome, and wants to make sure you're happy!) I sat holding my book waiting for our row to get called when all of a sudden there was an announcement.

" For those of you, who wanted a book, but couldn't get one because we are out, I'm here to announce I have ONE copy in my hand, and I will give it to the first person who raises their hand"

BOOM...I didn't even think, I'm not even sure I heard the lady, but apparently my sub-conscious and my arm were working together to make sure I had one hell of an awesome day, and my arm shot right up in the air. I WON the book. She brought it to me, people applauded, I stood and bowed, shed a tear, roses were thrown at me, and I made an amazing speech that brought tears to everyone's eyes.....

Not buying it? OK, well I did win the book, and when the lady brought it to me, I swear she was walking in slow motion, and then I mumbled something about going through hell to get here and thank you and she walked away. There was applauding though...I think....I may have just been clapping for myself.




Our row was called and we slowly made our way up. We got our books signed, laughed with her, got our pictures taken, and told her how much we loved her! And then...that was it. We left. It was over. Our exhausting day came to an end!








Well for me at least, cause I live here in Portland, but the others had a long car ride ahead of them...so their ending happened a bit later....

All in all, it was an awesome day. I met some cool people, and made a new friend! I wouldn't have changed a thing!!
Well.....except for that long ass walk in which I had an out of body excersizing expieriance!

                                                                            ~FIN~


Saturday, August 11, 2012

Granny stole my liquor!

I was sitting in my living room, chilling on the couch, watching some mindless something or other on the telly and holding my baby. My mom walked in the room with a paper bag. And we all know...Paper bags hold awesome things, liquor.

*Side note....I don't know why people put liquor in paper bags. Is it because you're ashamed? Is the bottle ashamed? * whispers* everyone knows what's in the paper bag.....you're not fooling anyone!

Back to the story...

So my Granny is sitting on the couch with me. She busts out a bottle of wine...and drinks it ALL...in one big chug. And then my mom handed me a bottle...a bottle so awesome words can't describe, well ok...I suppose they can,
 It was square, tall and filled with a creamy liquid. The label said "Creamy Schnapps" It looked like chocolate milk, but smelled like pumpkins ( I know...weird)
As I was ready to take a small swig to taste it, my Granny, yoinked it out of my hands, and 1,2,3,4 gulps, it was gone. My mouth dropped open. Partially because I was impressed, but mostly cause GRANNY JUST STOLE MY LIQUOR!
I was about to say something, or smack the ol' girl...but she was so full of alcohol I doubt it would do any good, other than make my hand sting, and her dentures fly across the room. Which I would have to retrieve anyways, cause her back is bad. ......


Then I woke up.
Yes, I'm sorry to say, this was all a dream. A weird, twisted, bizarre dream.
A: I don't have a Granny...they both went to the Bar in the Sky long ago. This one didn't even look like them at all. She was a stereo-typical granny. White curly hair, wearing one of those nightgowns, that can double as a dress when she needs to run to the store for Vicks vapor Rub ( Cause Grandma's always have that shit in their cupboards) In fact I'm pretty sure it was Betty White. Which would probably explain the drinking, cause that woman kicks ass.
B: I wouldn't be drinking with a baby on my lap! I would wait until the baby was down for a nap..geez.
C: You might think me to be a violent person, due to the wanting to slap my dream granny...well...I am...and I totally would have!! You don't just take someone's Creamy Schnapps! I don't even think that exists. But it should! The price tag said $16.95, so it had to have been good! Wait.....is that a lot? I don't drink on a normal basis...but apparently that's what my subconscious thinks Creamy Schnapps would cost.

Now I want Creamy Schnapps.....stupid subconscious.....

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Have I mentioned my hate for Summer....and Spiders?

So if any of you have read my ramblings before, you know I'm terrified of spiders.
I know...I live in the North West, you'd think I'd be over it by now...but nope. This things come out in hoards in the Summer time...which is one of the main reasons why I despise Summer. I'll take Fall/Winter overt this any day. The rain, wind, overcast-y-ness...yes that's a word. I'm declaring it so right now. And it's on the internet, and we all know the internet doesn't lie!
Back to my spider. Well last night Guinevere found one in her room, that was the size of a AA battery. I'm sure you're thinking "well that's not very big at all"  Oh yeah..pull one out, look at it, and tell me if you had a spider sized battery...it would be huge. AND it was green! WTF? So now I'm convinced it was either a Zombie spider, one I killed before, and is back to seek it's revenge! Or it was the Yoda of it's tribe, wise, and old. Or Kermit, Oscar the grouch? There's too many green things to choose from, anyways, we screamed and ran away from it, looking for things to kill it with, and by the time we got back in the room, POOF, it was gone. GREAT. So now Yoda, Kermit, Oscar, Zombie spider is wandering around looking for me.

AND just now I went in my room to go to bed, set everything up, got the baby in her bed, turned on my side table light, my fan ( cause if I don't have wind blowing in my face I won't get air, and at that point I can't breathe, and then I feel like I'm dying, and that mixed with the heat...it's just easier for everyone if I leave the fan in my face) got my book, made the bed up...and then left to go pee. Sorry for the graphics, but I feel like every detail is important! Got back in my room to do...something....OH water bottle ( I suppose I'm OCD when it comes to bed time rituals...but it's mostly cause I'm tired as shit and once I get in bed, I'm not getting out...unless my bladder tells me otherwise, but he's the only one that gets to) (also apparently my bladder is a man...weird...moving on)
Sitting ON my fan, was a gnarly, brown, hairy, spider. Ok it might not have been hairy...but my brain saw hair. And when I say ON my fan, I don't mean up top, trying to mess with the controls, cause he's a friend of Zombie Spider and wants revenge on me. I mean ON, as in....the wind that was coming from my fan was blowing THROUGH the spider....so I'm only left to assume it was a she, and she was old, and maybe suffering from Menopause, heat flashes and all. Or like me, and hates this Summer crap, and was trying to cool off.
Do Spiders get hot? Weird....anyways I grabbed my book from the table, and smooshed it! SCORE! However, now there are spider guts in my fan...but I would rather that, than the real thing. I'm leaving it there for now. Mainly as a sign to other spiders, You don't mess with me. Mostly cause I'm lazy, and would rather sleep. However, I'm at an impasse, cause now I'm out in the living room, typing this up, procrastinating my ass off, cause I don't want to go back into the room.

Also.....a giant Mothra sized Moth just flew at my face, and I kung-fu'd it away....it's sitting on my wall staring at me...so I'm going to act like nothing is wrong, I don't notice it. And back away slowly....wish me luck!