Tuesday, May 15, 2012
My Non-Death Experience
KEEP IN MIND THIS (REAL LIFE) STORY TAKES PLACE IN ONE BLOCK OF DRIVING:
ALSO KEEP IN MIND, MY VERY BAD, HORRIBLE, UNEXPLAINABLE, PARALIZING FEAR, OF SPIDERS:
So I went with Vince and the girls to partake in Starbucks Happy Hour! When we pulled out into the street, my automatic seatbelt locked into place, scaring the crap out of a ginormous, harry, Jurassic, biker sized spider ( I may be exaturating on size, but not by much)It flew onto my arm, looked at me, then lept onto the door at which point it began to mock me.
It was huge and I had nothing to kill it with, so I practically lept onto Vince's lap screaming for my life. Vince stopped the car, hands me an ENVALOPE and says "here you go, squish it with this" ...so I summoned all the courage I had in me to put my hand THAT close to the beast. I crept up on it slowly, and then moved in for the kill...but I was too scared to look, so I opened the door, dropped the envalope on the ground, at which point I saw it's legs ( and guts) all squishy on the envalope!
VICTORY!! We retrieved the envalope ( it contained important documents) and placed it back in the glovebox. I'd deal with that later.
I was however still shaken up. Tears ran uncontrolably down my face, from the almost not dying incedent. Vince was already trying to hold back the laugh he had waiting to burst out of him. I stared...no glared in his general direction ( with tears running down my face...it wasn't really that intimidating)...now this is where the already traumatizing situation turned...sour.
We had all the windows down since it was a hot day. I'm practically sitting in Vince lap as he's driving, not wanting to go anywhere near the remains of the spider on my door. Just when I was starting to feel at ease with the fact there was a monstrosity in my car, a small, ninja feather flies in the window....at my face.
I didn't have time to react, or even to see what was flying at my face. So I start swatting at the enemy. Small screams are uncontrollably leaving my mouth as I frantically fight for my life against this....thing. It's at this point, a small voice from the backseat ( my 8 year old) starts CRACKING UP...."It's a feather mum". Even though I hear this...it doesn't register, and when the ninja feather comes in for a second attack I still swat at it violently. I must've scared it off, cause it left the window, and proceeded on it's journey.
Against everything in my gut...I glance over at Vince. The laugh he was trying to hold back, is no longer contained. It's out in the open, in loud GAFFAW'S and LAWLS. At this point, Guin is joining in.
Still embarrased, and well...frightened for my life the tears still stream down my face. Through his laughing at me, Vince says, trying to sound concerned "There's some napkins in the glove box honey, get em' cause your mascara is going onto your face, and you can tell you were crying" I open the glove box to retrieve the napkins only to find....ANOTHER GINORMOUS JURASSIC PARK SPIDER. I SLAMMED the door shut and screamed for real this time.
It was then, I started to laugh at myself. I realized the spider in the glovebox, was just the remains of the original spider, on the envelope...coming back to scare me from beyond the grave.
*sigh* This really just happened. True Story. Stupid Nature.....
**No humans were harmed in the making of this story. One spider however, was relieved of it's life duties....and one ninja feather, was defeated by my erratic swatting.